Anxiety Rears Its Ugly Head

So yesterday Ryan and I were talking about the possibility of him trying to go back to work and maybe finding a job. His best friend, Doug, heads a big team where he works and said that he would have the power to hire Ryan with no problems. This would entail a move across the state for all of us, but then we would have income again. Well, last night after talking about it for a little while, Ryan had another anxiety attack after months of being just fine. We were able to soothe him enough for him to fall asleep, but the anxiety came back after he got up. The girls had a dentist appointment this morning, so I left Ryan with Julia, who was asleep. He had planned on getting caught up on housework while i had the girls out of the house, but instead the anxiety overwhelmed him and he became frozen again. I came home to him curled up in bed, hiding from the world, which is how his anxiety manifests. I had to take care of the immediate needs of the girls before I could care for him, so I got snacks, diaper changes, bottles, and did a huge load of dishes. I took the time to make sure to do some dishes because I know that clutter and an un-tidy house increases Ryan's anxiety. It doesn't help that we've been slacking, both of us, on the housework over the weekend. While I was working on dishes and taking care of the babies, I sent Amelia up to give Daddy hugs and kisses and hopefully snuggles, as "luvins" really help Ryan feel loved and important, which is so important when depression is a huge part of his anxiety. She said she would just give a hug and a kiss, but no snuggles. I was surprised when she stayed upstairs far longer than I expected. When I was finally able to get upsatairs myself, Ryan told me that they "went to Mars" and "avoided asteroids" and had some more fun space adventures while getting in some good snuggles for Daddy. :) I just don't know what we're going to do in the long run for income. I'm really hoping that some of the online opportunities that I'm looking into really pan out.

Down Kinda Day

Once again, my depression is starting to rear its ugly head. I have no reason to be depressed, I just spent most of my day with my girls and now I'm taking a little quiet time before I find something to do. BUT, I'm still depressed. This is so FRUSTRATING! I think a large part of it all is coming from a sense of being lost. I simply don't know quite who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. There doesn't feel like there's very strong direction in my life. And then I don't know what I WANT to do with my life. What are my goals and my vision for myself? Obviously, my vision should coincide with God's vision, but what is that? I feel so lost and directionless. Where do I go from here? What do I do? And how to explain it all to my husband? Ah, Ryan. He is the love of my life, my anchor and my fortress. And yet, he is a fragile man. He has gone thru his hardships and pains this year. We both have a lot of healing yet to do. Do our life desires coincide? Is what I think I want and what he thinks he wants compatible? How can we compromise? How can we both be happy and satisfied?

My Bible Reading

Today we had Friday School. We belong to a homeschool group that meets on Fridays to share some of the special skills the parents have. I teach a class on ASL, American Sign Language. I also spend most of my time in the nursery watching the babies and the youngest toddlers. This is also a Christian group, so part of our weekly routine is for a volunteer parent to read a small selection from the Bible and share some thoughts about it. I signed up back at the beginning of this semester to do a reading for today. I have been long pondering on the passages of Matthew 6:25-34, about God feeding the birds of the sky and clothing the flowers of the field and that we are far more important and precious to Him than these. I find that when I get overwhelmed by the "big picture" of life, I am reminded of this passage that tells me to take a step back, focus on the here and now, and try to be the me that God made me to be and wants me to become. I don't have to worry about the big picture, I simply need to do the next right step starting right where I am. It's nice to know more about where I'm going, with bigger goals, but as I am easily overwhelmed by such things, I need to work more on putting my future and the future of my family into the hands of God and just focus on my little part that I need to do right now. I work on not worrying about next year, next month, or even tomorrow, I work on being in communion with God.

A Fresh Start

I really need to start getting a new handle on my life. Things have been so super crazy over the last year since my husband attempted suicide. He is no longer working, I have been having to do what I can to earn money as he does what he can as well. I have given up my dream of homeschooling and we have enrolled our two oldest girls in preschool. Depression has reared its ugly head over both of us more fiercely than ever before.

I am convinced that depression is a demon in its own right. The only way to truly fight the often crippling effects of such a deep-rooted depression is thru the true joy of Jesus Christ. I am therefore dedicating my new blog here to my over-all improvement as a person. I hope to compile a list of goals and action-steps and all that at some point, but now is not the time since it is well past my bedtime!

I do want to commit, again, that I am going to start my days with Scripture. If the Word of God is entering my head, it is giving me the right thoughts to have. I know there is very likly a better way to articulate my thoughts right now, but Ryan has already turned out the light and my brain is shutting down for sleep.

Good Night and God Bless!